The resolution for this little girl at the beginning of the week was to focus on herself, to take care instead of being taken care of, to think about her own, to do what she pleased to do. This little girl who had never been loved decided to love herself. Because she could do everything on her own, cause she could stop thinking about all those fair princes who were only in her daydreaming. She didn’t need that anymore.
She was sick and tired of falling in love with the idea of someone, of loving too intensely for her own good. Because crying oneself to sleep is exhausting and she doesn’t like it. But she has grown too weak to fight her own demons.
She thinks she is in love with a boy she has known for about three weeks. A person she hasn’t seen more than five times. But she thinks she is in love and she expects him to be as well. She is so desperately to love and be loved for once that she has completely erased the thin and blurry line that separated her imagination from the real world.
In this imagination, nothing hurts, and she is free from the irrational insecurities only she can see. In her imagination he loves her and walks next to her; in her imagination he only looks at her and talks to her, and if he’s not, he is talking about her. In this dream he kisses her and makes love to her and they love each other forever. But this forever only lasts an instant and then she’s awake again.
In the real world, insecurities hunt her like starving wolfs and everyone whispers. However, he’s still there, and talks to her and looks at her. Just like he talks and looks to other people. She is not the only one in this real world, because he is not only an idea in this world. She, innocent insecure little girl, cannot understand why he doesn’t love her, she cannot see that he is more than what she has met, that he had a life before her and will have a life after her. He has connections, real connections.
She does not realise that she won’t let anyone love her, that she is not ready to love anyone in a healthy, that films and books and stories don’t ever tell the truth, that she cannot be everything for a person. She does not understand that she cannot expect a person to love her in the blink of an eye, that a strong and long-lasting relationship, even a lustful relationship, needs time, that love will happen when you least expect it and ultimately, that not everyone will like you.
That is why, at the beginning of this week, she decided to love herself, to care only about herself, to think only about herself, to focus in her life, in the good things she has and the good things that are about to come. Also in her responsibilities and in being better at everything: Better friend, better daughter, sister, student, worker… Her life was about to turn around.
On Tuesday, she saw him, however. And all she had promised she would do vanished with a simple gaze. There she was standing in the cold with him while he chatted away, believing she was in love again, believing he was in love with her for the mere fact that he was being nice.
I knew then that she would never change, that her demons would always be there, that she does not really want the help, that she likes to love and suffer in her own world. And maybe she is just too pure for our world, maybe she is to innocent for all this hate, all this ignorance. Maybe she is just too special for us.
daily life 