Bluest eyes.

Hello, I need to talk to you. I’ve needed it for a long time but I haven’t had the guts to ask you for a moment of your time; I guess I didn’t want to seem lame or clingy, I didn’t want you to push me further away from you, so I just kept quiet while trying to avoid your glance in the room where all your friends are partying. I call them your friends because you met them first and for a longer time but it wasn’t fair that I had to give up on them too, was it? I feel you owe me closure, you owe me these last few words as more than just your friend: as someone who could’ve loved you and almost did.

First of all, I want you to know I don’t think differently of you now, I still think you’re the sweetest, kindest and funniest boy I have ever met. I still think you have the bluest eyes and the deepest mind. I still believe you underestimate yourself and still don’t know the things you’re capable of doing. You’re passionate, you’re intelligent, responsible, loyal and genuine. I am sure now, that you’re only a boy, that when you grow up to be a man, you’ll have an impact on the world, just like the one you had on me.

You found me, or I found you, when I was becoming myself, when I became fully aware of who I was and who I was trying to be. I had just been through the darkest year of my life, through the toughest moments and the steepest road. I thought I was not brave enough, or sufficiently strong to finish what I had just started. You don’t know about this because, naturally, I never told you.

I had been living in fear my whole life, or maybe I hadn’t even been living. However it may be, I was not afraid anymore, I was strong, independent, confident, and you were just easy to talk to, and easy to fall for and so I did. Slowly, you had me, you didn’t know but you had me. You still do.

I was innocent and inexperienced. Ignorant to pain, this type of pain, the type of pain you get when you’ve finally shared too much, when you start to care too deeply. When, suddenly, you care more about the other person than you do about yourself. I crossed that line that I had only crossed one other time. I had decided to never get too close ever again because I remembered the pain, the loneliness afterwards. The void inside of me that I could never fill completely until I met you.

Now it is too late, I have completely destroyed the line and the void is bigger than before because you’re no longer there, because I know you don’t care like I do and you’re probably getting close to somebody else while I mourn your loss.

You would not believe the times I cried because of you, even while we were together. I don’t even think you know I care this much, because I never showed you the darkness in me, I was scared you’d run away, that you’d get scared. In the end, you didn’t get scared, just bored. Bored of my apparent passivity, of my constant good mood. You got bored of me telling you everything was alright because I was scared of confronting you.

I was not passive, I can tell you now that I’ve lost you that I was just terrified and clueless on how to act around you. I wanted you so bad, I cared so much, I tried to maintain what we had instead of keep building it. I miss you now, I hate myself now, I think I love you now.

You were the best thing that had happened to me in years, maybe ever and I didn’t know how to keep you because that is how I am. I am working on overcoming my fears and you helped me more than you think. I was afraid of feeling this way, but now, I understand I have to go through this, many times. Maybe I will always feel this way, maybe I will never be happy, but I will keep trying.

I am going to let you go because that is what you want, now that I have said all these words that I needed out of me and you needed in. Now you know more about me than you ever did when we talked every minute of every day and I’m sorry I didn’t say them before, I’m sorry I didn’t let you in the same way you let me in. I will now go back to that room full of your friends, who are your friends because you met them first, and I’ll put on a fake smile while I see you looking at me with your bluest eyes and your widest smile, knowing that you’ll never be mine, that you never were.

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